If we didn't need sleep...

Lately, life has been really weird. I thought when you entered high school you found out who your "true" friends were. After I hit college, I thought "Now, I know who my true friends are" and even still today, my third year of college, I am still surprised when I find myself thinking the same thing.

I used to think there was strength in numbers, but now I know that isn't true- all you need is a few REALLY good friends that you can count on for everything and you are set. As long as you realize who these friends are and cherish them.

I hate losing friends, but I feel as though it is an inevitable part of life. Maybe you were friends because you had something in common at a given time, but take that job, hobby, student group away and what do you really have in common?

Plus, I do not believe in rekindling a friendship. I mean, you can be civil toward one another and you can exchange small talk, but I think if you started out with a really close, strong friendship and something occurred to make that go away- there isn't much that can be done to rebuild that bridge. At least that is how it is in my experience. If you have had another experience with this, then consider me jealous.

I wish I could start this year over. But then that scares me, too. Have you ever seen the movie the Butterfly Effect? Where something bad happens to Ashton Kutcher's character and he goes back in time and does something to prevent that occurrence from happening, but then something (usually worse) happens and suddenly he is at the end and it probably would have just been better had he left it alone to begin with. Because if I was able to go back in time and try to fix the mistakes I have made this year, would I be as close to the people I am now?

The only thing that is ever consistent in my life is family. I was sitting in Sacrament today and thinking to myself that I must have been very obedient in the pre-mortal life in order to have these wonderful blessings, that I call family. I hope that didn't come across with a "holier than thou" attitude. Because that is just really a compliment toward my family. My brothers are my best friends. My parents are my best friends. My sister-in-laws are my best friends. My grandparents are my best friends. My aunts, uncles and cousins (well some) are my best friends. Who can honestly say that? I know not many people, but I can.

Lately, I keep thinking that I need a good cry. I spent 4 months planning an event and then it got shut down early by the police because stupid boys, with big egos, fought. Why does their foolishness ruin all the hard work that I put in? Then a fight with a friend, or lyrics to a song, or while I was sitting in church today and we sang "How great thou art" and we sang that at my grandma's funeral last month-all these things made me tear up, but not cry. I keep thinking that I need to get myself alone and cry, but honestly- I am too busy for that. Which should be another reason to add to the list of reasons I need to cry.

Because I am too busy, I never get to do the things I really want to do. At the beginning of every week, I make a to-do list and it is always filled to the max from sun up 'til I go to bed every night with activities, homework, meetings, classes, etc. I wish that going to sleep was optional-that our bodies didn't NEED it. Imagine how much more stuff we could get done. I wish I had time to go see my friend Jessica's baby. Every week I try to do so, but because there isn't a due date- it always gets pushed to the bottom of the list. But there kind of is a due date; that baby isn't going to be a baby forever. I wish I had more time to spend with my mom- I make time for her multiple times a week, but it still doesn't feel like enough. Then today, while I was at church I get a text from my grandpa saying "ET PHONE HOME". He then went on to tell me that we haven't talked forever and I need to call them. After he said that, that too, almost made me cry. Because I think about my grandparents often, but he is right- it has been much too long since seeing them. Which is just silly, because I love them and enjoy time with them very much.

I spend too much time wishing time away. "Oh, I can't wait until the weekend so I can get a break from classes", "Spring Break is 20 days away:) I wish time would hurry up", "Only 1 year left of school- I canNOT wait!". I wonder what I am missing out on, because I am thinking I can't wait til I am older. I am going to be an old woman wishing that I was young again. Which goes to prove that saying about everyone wanting what they can't have- is undeniably true.

So if I haven't talked to you in awhile, please know that I do think about you all the time. I love you and miss you very much. I worry that I give the impression that I don't care, when really I am just exhausted-mentally, physically and emotionally.

It's 11 o'clock. I am supposed to be doing Organic Chemistry II homework (now do you understand why I am TOO busy), but I got the sudden urge to update my blog. This pathetic blog. This post is unlike any other- I usually just update everyone on activities, never really any thoughts about life in between those activities. So I am hoping that this wasn't too all over the place, or that it didn't make you uncomfortable.

Maybe I will go have that cry, now :)

Reasons to Smile: ( I know, I am a thief)
1. The special-needs elderly man at church today who was dancing to the closing hymn of Sacrament.
2.My mom is making cinnamon rolls with pink frosting right now, extra frosting please.
3. She also just packed my lunch for tomorrow. Yeah, my friends have already told me-I am spoiled.
4. That my grandpa, although nearly 70 years old, knows how to text. I love feeling my phone vibrate, looking down and seeing it is him. It brings a smile to my face EVERY time. Plus, I brag to my friends how tech-savvy he is.
5. That my bed is soo comfortable. I am going to go curl up with a glass of milk and a cinnamon roll and watch documentaries about murder. Yeah, I know.